FULL BLOWN. I currently have a FULL BLOWN case of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and it is not good. It is bad. Very bad, in fact. I am at the place where doing anything other than lifting my hand to pick up the remote and press buttons on it to make this weeks episode of Downton Abby come on is becoming virtually impossible. In the summer and fall when I am busy I spend approximately 1 hour a day emailing. About 6 editing and about 3 shooting. I manage to keep the rooms in our house that we live in somewhat clean, and so far, I have provided my children with enough food that they have not withered away and perished during those busy months when the sun shines and I don’t want to slit my wrists. Right now? In the dead of February, during the worst winter that I can remember, it is ALL I CAN DO to muster the energy to answer a single email a day, wipe off my crumbly counter tops and hand my kids something besides a stale Pop Tart to eat for dinner. Laundry is not an option and neither is cleaning a toilet. Nope. No.
I am stagnant and it is terrible and I am FULLY aware that I am a grass is greener type of girl because in those busy summer/fall months I can’t bitch enough about how I can’t wait for it to be winter and then I don’t have to do anything. Being idle is no good for me. Being idle living in the bowels of winter hell when the sun doesn’t shine and I am significantly deficient of Vitamin D is REALLY not good.
***STOP complaining Rachel..just friggin STOP it. Be happy. Be grateful. So WHAT if you have worn the SAME sweatshirt for going on 5 days in a row now because there is no other reason not to? So WHAT????***
Hey..annoying wise conscience..ZIP IT. I don’t want to think about the fact that I should just BE happy that I have a couch to sit on for 16-17 hours a day bored out of my skull just deliberating the exact time that it is appropriate to start drinking wine without feeling guilty. I don’t want to HEAR that I should be thankful that I have two working arms and two working legs that make it possible for me to shovel my ridiculously long driveway every 15 minutes for 4 months straight. I am UNINTERESTED in thinking about the fact that I should be thanking my lucky stars that my kids are healthy and happy instead of wanting to jump up and down and pull my hair out while simultaneously throwing each and every computer, iPad, game console (both handheld and attached to a television) out the window and onto my driveway and then run them over in my Jeep because I can’t, CANNOT, stand that I, as a mother, am by far, entirely too uncreative to come up with some sort of plan for them that does not involve their muscles atrophying and their brains being turned to mush by the second.
Gah. It’s ugly over here.
I’ll tell you what…the only thing in my recent history that has helped to shake me up a bit and not wish on a daily basis that my ancestors had the wherewithal to realize that Boston was cold and dark for FAR too many days out of the year and had the initiative to push further out west to like, Arizona or someplace that the sun ACTUALLY shines, was my visit to one of the most important people in my life, my Kylee. Who, for some ungodly reason, took it upon herself to move from this desolate winter wasteland that we live in to another even MORE desolate and just downright ridiculous winter wasteland near Buffalo, New York.. Only this chick and her two amazing kids could get me up from the couch mold that I have made in my living room and onto a plane going someplace even friggin COLDER than where I live.
Ky is one of my best friends from college..she is one of the loves of my life and her friendship means more to me than she will ever know. She is an amazingly strong person and she was handed some really tough stuff to deal with this year. In April she brought our little super hero Wes into all of our lives and made us all better people. You don’t expect, when you are pregnant with your second, after having a perfectly, and beyond awesome, first child that you will have problems. It is just a hard thing to wrap your head around. At 30 weeks, Ky and her awesome husband, Joel, found out that the little boy that they were expecting was going to have some problems and they they needed up uproot their lives, go to Philadelphia, and stay their until baby Wes was OK. I don’t think they ever imagined what the road that they started on at 30 weeks was going to look like. How hard it was going to be having a baby born with CDH and just how far the depths of their strength actually went. Kylee, Joel, their little girl Charlotte Mae and their families weathered and continue to weather this storm that they didn’t ask for, that they never envisioned, with a grace that is beyond remarkable and a strength that takes my breath away. No one asks for this type of thing, but to be handed it, and to be able to recognize all of the amazing good that can come from something like this is is one of the reasons that Ky is my hero.
Our boy is a warrior. There was not a second that Kylee and Joel believed that giving up on him was an option and Super Wes fought long and hard to prove that he is SUPPOSED to be here to teach us all about the important things in life. He is beautiful and strong..he is still on his road, he works hard every day, but every day he is growing and every day Kylee and Joel can look at their boy and know that every hard moment, and there are LOTS of them, is worth it because they can see him smile.
There really aren’t enough words to describe how proud I am of my girl, Kylee. She is beautiful and strong. She is a mother above all else, and she is a pretty amazing one, at that.
Love you, Moose.
**ok..full disclaimer…BECAUSE we live in a winter wasteland the idea I had of taking pictures of Super Wes and my girlfriend Char kind of kept getting foiled…we ended up snapping these about 5 minutes before we had to leave for the airport before the sun was really even up. We didn’t have any light and we didn’t have any time. It is not what I had expected for Wes’ first photoshoot and pretty much that just means that I have to go back when he turns a year and do right by him. That is all.**
Wes is wise..he’s been through more than most people have been through in their entire lives. He is a pretty special kid. And so flipping cute I can’t take it.
Love you all..love, love, love you all.