Good morning! God I love the rumble of the school bus idling outside waiting for my kid to get on it so it can whisk him away to school for 7 hours.
***so my intention is to write a blog this morning..right now in fact…but Eric is here and I know that while I sweetly nod and say “mmm hmmmm” to all of the 4 thousand things that I know that he is going to talk about while he gets ready for work what I will really be doing is plotting his demise in my head because I won’t be able to keep a train of thought for more than 10 seconds in a row and if I happen to mention to him that I am trying to write and his incessant talking is getting in the way of that he will get his little girl feelings hurt and then I will explode.***
Ok..I feel a rant coming on. I will preface it by saying that right now I am in a fabulous mood..slept like a baby last night and my whole world is bright and cheery and manageable when I sleep well. I will also say, in advance, that I have been feeling more blessed lately than ever before. There is so much positive going on in my life..I am constantly aware of how perfect this time in my life is and how grateful that I am…I am fulfilled and people are healthy and my kids are happy. I could not ask for more.
Except one thing.
I want the Elf to die. Yup. I said it.
I kind of want to kill him myself.
Ohhhh Snowflake..with your stupid name and stupid grin that haunts me and tortures me all Christmas season long…I. AM. OVER.YOU. Go away. Sprinkle your magic stupid elf fairy dust and fly back to the North Pole from whence you came (which I would argue could actually be hell and not same fictional snowy village on the top of our planet) and stay there. We are good. My kids..no matter how crappy they behave are going to get every single thing on their Christmas list and then even a little bit more because I have no self control (and spoiling them rotten will give me fodder for future complaining rant filled blog posts about how ungrateful they are) and because Eric likes to live out his childhood Christmas fantasies though the boys themselves. The amount of what those wantfornothings will receive under that tree on Christmas morning will have NOTHING at all to do with your “report” to Santa. It will have absolutely everything to do with the self serving nature of parenthood that Eric and I are HUGE advocates for.
So, Snowflake, go. Because I am done. I am DONE with the lying. The 11 years of lying that I have been forced to do..I am done. I am done with your “move me every night!!” pressure and the look in my kids eyes when we both forget (which, by the way, has been 3 out of the 4 nights that you have been with us this season) to move your needy ass. I am sick of living this Christmas lie and what bothers me even more than lying is the sheer STUPIDITY of my kids.
Really????? REALLY??? Yes…there is a magic elf. A MAGIC ELF that comes after Thanksgiving and moves around our house at night and flies off back home to the North Pole on Christmas Eve after you guys have been so good and EARNED all of the crap under the tree. Give me a break. That is just DUMB. Think about it for a second boys. First of all..you are not that good. You just aren’t. And second of all… well, refer back to that first of all.
You are ELEVEN, Aidan. 11. Like bordering on a teenager. And you are holding me Elf hostage and you know it..I KNOW you do. I know that you know that this is BS. You HAVE to..for the love of GOD you HAVE to know that this is just IMPOSSIBLE. So WHY must I endure the look of disappointment in your eyes every morning when you wake up and see that watching Homeland On Demand was WAY more important to me and your father than remembering to move the stupid elf? ELEVEN. Your brain SHOULD have formed enough by now to know that this whole elf thing is just not logical. I know, I know…you have absolutely watched more than the recommended amount of television for kid throughout the years and there was that one time when you were one and you accidentally tumbled down a few stairs when my back was turned for ONE SECOND…but REALLY? This is getting ridiculous. It is beyond my comprehension..and it is starting to piss me off. It is taking a ginormous amount of will power each day not to look at you, do that little “come here” motion with my index finger and look you in the eye and say...”CUT IT OUT. This is nonsense. You know it and I know it and he didn’t move last night NOT because I accidentally brushed the tip of my pinkie on him while dusting the shelf (which should be the FIRST clue that something isn’t right when you hear that excuse because you should know that I am not dusting a thing around here) but because he is STUFFED ELF with a PLASTIC face and a creepy grin. HE IS NOT REAL. THAT is why he didn’t move. Because I didn’t pick the thing up and move it to one of the three places I am creative enough to move him to because I drank wine and I forgot and THAT is why he didn’t move. And if you had a logical brain in your head you would know that and we could end this charade.” But I suppose if I did that people may look down on me as a parent.
Hey..and you know what? I am going to go there. I am going to take it one step further (and I know that if my girlfriend Lisa is reading this she may very well disown me as a friend, because I am pretty sure that SHE is convinced the Elf is real) and I am going to let you know how I feel about Santa, too.
It is just the incessant seasonal lying that I want to be through with forever. It was cute when they were little. Adorable really. But the lying and sneaking around and plotting and running across the street to my neighbors house to get all of the hidden presents on Christmas Eve night half in the bag has lost it’s luster and I want it to be done. Again, I have to question the intelligence of my children. I really think I was in like second grade when the jig was up at my house. WHY is my kid in 5th grade and STILL talking about sending his list to Santa? Yes. Yes child. There is a jolly old fat man who wears red and hangs with tiny little toy making elves and flies around the world on Christmas eve in a sleigh pulled by magic reindeer and he slides down the chimney and he gives you presents with price tags CLEARLY scratched off. Yup. That’s how it goes.
No, actually my sweet angels. It’s ME. Always has been..always will be. ME who goes out and buys you stuff, who spends too much money, who wraps and wraps and wraps. ME ME ME. THAT is who does it. And I would like to get the recognition from here on out. You guys have had PLENTY of time to believe in the magical make believe Christmas nonsense but enough is enough. Let’s be rational for once. And then I can enjoy the holiday without fear of forgetting to move the elf..of having to hide presents and of letting it accidentally slip that Santa is ridiculous and SO NOT REAL.
I know that some of you may read this (Lisa) and think that I am horrible. That the longer we can hold on to our children’s innocence the better and yada, yada. My answer to you is this:
I played the game. I did it for years and years. And now, instead of worrying about dissolving their Christmas delusions, I am just embarrassed for them because soon..God, I hope it is soon…they are going to realize how DUMB they were for believing as long as they did in a fictional man and a stuffed elf.
Ok. I think I feel a little bit better. It’s out there now. I think Santa is a jerk and I want to have a funeral for Snowflake. So what? That is how I feel and I am not ashamed.
To try and get the negative, cynical and soul crushing taste out of your mouth I am going to show you the sweetest newborn ever and hopefully restore your faith in the fact that my heart is not the size of the Grinch’s BEFORE it grew….
Meet baby Joseph. This sweet, sweet boy invited me over to play the morning after his first night home. He is so new and tiny and perfect. He is the little boy of one of my couples, Marc and Kelly. I shot their wedding so long ago..they were some from my first year and they will always have a special place in my heart. They are the nicest people on the planet and it meant SO much to me that Marc reached out even before baby Joseph was born to set up a newborn shoot.
They are in love and I don’t blame them. I kind of am, too.
Look! He is 5 days old and so, so precious.
Stop it Joseph. You are too cute.
A newborn sleepy smile is THE BEST.
I lvoe what they are feeling right now. That first few days of bringing your first baby home. Now THAT, people, is magic.
Congratulations Marc and Kelly! You did a real good job. And have fun with the next 11 years of Christmas lying:)